The ultimate injustice

As an Englishman I have to despise Maradona for the infamous Hand of God – his handball against England in the ’86 World Cup. I remember watching this as a kid…

You can here his rather tenuous defense of it here.

Still, the guy was a great footie player, completely outclassing England just 5 mintues later with an absolutely stunning cheeky run.

And it’s hard to hate someone who shares the same vices I do!

The fat man puffs

So its terrible to hear that, having fallen on hard times, this icon of ill-repute is to have his earrings seized to pay for a tax bill! It doesn’t say what the earrings were, only that they were worth 4,000 Euros. What a loss! I feel for the man.

Owing some 37million Euros, that’s hardly going to dent the debt – and it seems cruel and unusal punishment to deprive someone of something so vital to life as earrings. Apparently the tax police said it was acting on a judicial order authorising the seizure of anything of value “within plain sight” – which raises a terrible dillema for any earring enthusiast. The only solution is to wear the earrings and then earmuffs over them, out of plain sight…BUT STILL THERE HAHA fuck the police and all that jazz! You may take my life and liberty but you will never take my earrings!!!

Happy Cat, Sad Dog

The lengths people will go for good earrings is phenomenal.

Shop-lifting… sometimes, armed robbery…often… murder…maybe

Add to that list of iniquity and despair a new, tragic crime – dog-napping. Hard as it is to believe that dogs even wear earrings, let alone earrings that are considered valuable, but those are the facts and as facts they are impossible to ignore. Perhaps context will shed some light; this foul crime took place in a South Florida gay bar. Now, when I think of Florida I think of one game, one man, and one piece of advice…

Well, I don’t know what Tony would make of this, but it seems one Hudson Hayward Hemingway – that would be a dog – was stolen. What makes this dog special was that it was clad in pink and wearing earrings.

The only photo of me on the internet and I'm not wearing my damn earrings...

The 4-month-old Chihuahua is about the size of a softball, light-cream colored with a pink belly, pink ears and pink earrings. The thief was a  man with Britney Spears’ name tattooed on either his neck or arm. The owner says he let the man hold Hudson briefly, and as soon as he turned around the dog and the specialty bag he was in were gone.

Where. To. Begin.

A softball sized dog wearing earrings in a special bag stolen by a man with a Britney Spears tattoo from a gay bar.

You. Can’t Make. This. Up.

Famous Earring Wearers 1. Tutankhamen

As well as having a name that is impossible to spell, Tutankhamen (Tut to his friends, Tut Tut to his mum) is also famous for having peirced ears. How do we know? He was an early practitioner of ear stretching, known as gauging. That’s right, the Pharoes were Pharears (sorry, unforgivable and not even funny).

Don't trust men in masks

So look closely and you can see a big ol’hole in his ear. Would love to know what appendages graced that royal ear… So, congrats to the Eargyptian (again, sorry, sorry) for being the first Famous Earring Wearer!!! (Your prize is in the post).

Bloody hell

OK, it’s the time of the month, you got the painters and decorators in, you’re thinking you need to make something magical to hang from your ear. Hang on, whats that? Take a used tampon and turn it into an earring? My god girl you are insane. An insane genius! This is why men will always be crawling behind you like slaves to a slug-trail. If only god knew that original sin would lead to such creativity, he would have left us well alone.

Speaking of which…

Before eating the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve either knew that disobeying God was evil or they didn’t.

If they didn’t, then they can’t be blamed for disobeying him.

If they did, then they already possessed the knowledge that God had forbidden.

Either way, God could not justly banish them from Eden.

(Adduced by Richard R. La Croix, taken from the Futility Closet)

Whether you agree with that or not ladies and gentlemen is beside the point because I give you (drum roll)… the Tampon Earring!!!

...but you can only wear it once a month...

Phenomenal – there’s a ‘how to’ on the site so you can construct your own. The only tragedy, I’m sure you agree, is that it is not real blood but food colouring. I don’t know about you, but I count blood as food (not in a vampire way, more in a steak way). Speaking of which, the sexiest dream I ever had I was a vampire. But that’s another story for another time.

Modern blog, ancient earring

Ultimately this will be a collection and review of shiny sparky things and the people who make them – not just earrings, but bracelets and necklaces and rings too…

But mainly earrings, cos that’s what I love!!!

So to start with I thought I’d look at some really old stuff, try and learn about the history and origin of earrings.

Here’s the first thing I found – a beautiful ancient earring found in a Jerusalem carpark!

That’s a 1,500 year old gold, pearl and emerald earring (Image from National Geographic – shame they can’t accurately subtract 4-500 from 2,100!!!)

Amazing that it wasn’t melted down and turned into something else as so much jewelery seems to be! We can only imagine who wore them, but something as magic as this must have been owned by someone pretty special.

“It must have belonged to someone of the elite in Jerusalem,”  said an Israeli archeologist. “Such a precious item, it couldn’t be one of just ordinary people.”

Beautiful – sometimes we think of the past as a different place but of course they don’t do things that differently. Fashion is fashion, and what goes around comes around…

(Image from Lady of the Lake)

What is an earring?

Oh my god, are you stupid or something? How can you not know what an earring is????????

Well, I am stupid (if I wasn’t dropped on my head as a child I should have been) and I don’t know about you, so I’m gonna start with the basics.

Earrings – they’re bits of metal you stick in your ear!!! Ha, it’s that simple.

How do you wear yours?

1 ) Helix/Cartilage, 2 ) Industrial, 3 ) Rook, 4 ) Daith, 5 ) Tragus, 6 ) Snug,

7 ) Conch, 8 ) Anti-Tragus, 9 ) Lobe

Image courtesy of the wonderful Wikipedia

Isn’t it fascinating when you learn all the differnet names for things though?I love the fact 2) is called an Industrial, looking as it does like a pylon that might be used to build  a sky-scraper.

You’d think these things would have been around for ages, but amazingly, some of them – the Rook and the Daith were only invented very recently apparently – by by Erik Dakota of Santa Cruz, whoever he is! (Or am I falling for everything I read on Wikipedia!)

I’ve only got a bog-standard 9) Lobe…but give it time!